i have to remind myself that this feeling is just temporary and as cliché as it may sound, time does heal all wounds…… maybe not completely but some scars are meant to leave their mark as a warning/reminder of past mistakes, not sure if i’m even making sense but i have to remember this….
life goes on and this is only temporary
now breathe and count to 10
i really thought i was over him but here i am trying to hold back my tears (failing btw) and thinking about him and why i wasn’t good enough for him…fuck…ugggghhhhh i hate this, i feel like complete shit to even be crying over someone who doesn’t want me and i promised myself i would never cry over a guy any more and yet here i am doing the exact thing i hate….
:(
FUCK!!
i’m not much of a talker, i actually much prefer listening to others than voicing my opinions about something(not to say i don’t have opinions) there are times when i much rather prefer silence so if you’re constantly talking to me about things that have no importance to me and all i want is to be left alone, i will get agitated real quick and will most likely snap at you so please if i give you one word answers or i have my headphones on don’t talk to me, just leave me be.
spent the afternoon in the city on my own and it was very much overdue. I’ve been so focused on my fear of ending up alone in this world that i forgot how much i actually use to value my “me” time in the past but today just made me realise how much of a lone wolf i am and how much i love it…….i still would love to share my life with someone special but for now i’m doing fine on my own.
My biggest fear is to die alone. growing old, having not loved another and made a family. my fear is that i’ll wake up at 60 and all i’ll have is material things and no one to share it with. people may tell me that i wont end up alone but this is my fear and fears are irrational right??! but i feel like each day that passes where i’m all on my own my fear is slowly becoming a reality. i just don’t want to die on my own.
she’s like my teddy/security blanket, that’s not strange right???? haha
it’s hard for me to just forget you completely because for me, you were my future, you were one of the very few people who made me feel comfortable in my own skin. us together is what i pictured 50 years down the road, you were the only guy i ever saw myself having that “happily ever after” moment with and even though we were thousands of miles away the way you made me feel was something i have never felt before and to just think of life without you in it isn’t as easy as i thought it would be. do i wish things were different between us right now? yes of course i do but wishing isn’t going to get you to come back and as much as i want that, what i want more is to be wanted by someone who feels just as much love for me as i do for them.
i know i’ll wake up and you’ll just be some distant memory that’ll bring that nostalgia felling and a slight smile to my face but right now I’m still feeling that emptiness that appeared when you left.
so growing up i never thought my family was poor, anything i or my sister needed we would get, we hardly ever asked for anything but when we did my mum would somehow come through and get it and if she didn’t well of course i would be upset but after a while it would pass, i really had no idea how much my mother worked for me and my sisters. now that i’m grown up and i see how much she has had to sacrifice for us i am forever grateful for that and i feel guilty for the fact that i ever felt anger towards her when she would not come through with some of the things i wanted. the reason why i’m writing this is because something had come up on the news about the poorer cities and it showed my part of the city and my sister sounding a little shocked said “we’re poor?!?” my response to that was ÿeah we’re poor so be grateful for the things you have”, we may not be living on the streets poor but we’re not rich either and they should think about this before they go asking for things my mother can’t afford and instead just be grateful for having a roof over there head and a bed to sleep in, they have had a much more easier life than my sister and i and i’m not holding any grudges against them i’m actually glad that they have had the things i didn’t have when i was their age but i feel like they should know how much things are actually worth, not just monetary value but also the time and energy spent working towards getting the money to get it…. okay i think i’m just repeating myself and talking nonsense so i’ll end it here but for the rest of my life i will be trying my hardest to repay my mother for the things she has done for me.
